Let's Fix: No Such Luck

Revisions:

The Opening:

So remember the beginning of the episode where the siblings were talking about the stuff they were gonna do? I thought that instead of starting at the Loud House, we instead start at Lori's golf tournament, where Lincoln is sitting miserably watching Lori play golf, (The scene will end on an epic freakout about Lori swinging her ball into a sandtrap and fucking up her long game) and it'll transition into a bunch of scenes about Lincoln being dragged to various places, him narrating his displeasure at having no time to himself, the narration continuing as he transitions from locale to locale... to establish him being burnt out at being taken places all the time... but as this is happening, I will make sure that at least one sister is seen doing something in the background of every shot with Lincoln, why is this? I'll save that for later... but it is important that we have some nice background action.

The monologue will end with Lincoln expressing that it's nice to finally be home and once he climbs the stairs, he'll come face to face with Lynn Jr., which will kick off my revisions to...

The Bat Scene:

The very first scene that pissed people off when it came to No Such Luck was the moment that Lincoln had a conversation with Lynn Jr. at the top of the stairs, when she "coerced" him into coming to her baseball game by subtly threatening to slam Lincoln with a bat if he didn't show up. A lot of people lost respect for Lynn at that scene and I don't blame them, Lincoln made a good point as to why he didn't want to go Lynn's game, he was tired and burnt out from supporting his sisters in rapid succession and then Lynn decides to answer his valid point with threats of violence, it doesn't look good on her... But Lynn also made another good point right before she pulled out her Slugger... and that's the fact that Lincoln hasn't come to her games... so let me tell you how I'd fix this moment...

I'd remove the line where she feels sadness at Lincoln never showing up, and I'd make Lynn throw a temper tantrum. Yeah... No. I'm still making Lynn a dick. Why? Because to teach a moral, it's imperative to show contrast and show the sin as well, so the impressionable audience gets a good idea of what NOT to do... because unlike the actual episode, I'm gonna have both Lynn and Lincoln learn something this episode, and part of doing that involves making a character a jerk sometimes. So I'll have Lynn get noticeably angrier and tell Lincoln that he's selfish for wanting to back out of her game and she'll guilt trip him with the whole "I do all this shit for you, you can't do something for me?!" routine... even though she'll be selfish for practically forcing him into this... and when Lincoln still declines and tries to assert himself... she pulls out the bat and the scene will carry on like the episode intended... Yeah... I'm keeping that bat moment intact. Why? Because I want Lincoln to feel trapped, I want Lincoln to feel like he can't get out of these things no matter what he does.

This is all part of the plan by the way, stay with me, people. I actually need to keep the bat scene, not only does it help Lincoln's motivations later on, but it will also serve as the perfect setup for the events that happen in the next scene.

The Baseball Game:

Of all the scenes in No Such Luck, this one might actually grind my gears the most... mostly because the baseball game scene is lazy. The point of this scene is to establish that Lincoln might be "Bad Luck." The game is the inciting incident for the episode to come, and is the driving force for Lynn to turn on Lincoln, but instead of showcasing any bad luck, we have a scene that consists of four separate shots where a player on the opposite team gets a home run... and that's stupid... there was no bad luck at play in that scene. It didn't even feel like an attempt was made to showcase that bad luck is transpiring in that scene, More effort was put into Lynn's stupid superstitious rituals, than actually showing bad luck at that baseball game... It was just guys hitting balls good, this is a huge problem in the episode... Lynn's loss didn't come from Luck, it came from Skill, the guys getting home runs just make her look like a lousy pitcher, and worse than that, it makes it look like that Lincoln had no effect on what happened, because if the guys on the other team can hit her pitches so easily, then they could've won even if Lincoln never showed up at all... and when she proceeds to blame Lincoln later in the episode, it seems foolish because in my eyes, nothing unlucky has happened, making her claim of Lincoln being bad luck seem forced and contrived. 

If I was in charge of the baseball scene, I'd simply have more things happen. I'd channel my inner Michael Bay and turn Lynn's baseball game into a waking nightmare of ridiculous inconveniences... I would play the game for laughs and put the brunt of the comedy here. Spoilers: Each and every joke will be at Lynn's expense: Which is one of the reasons why I kept the bat scene, because this time, her game will be ruined by a steady stream of pure liquid karma... and having her be innocent at the start and nicer to her brother would make the scene uncomfortable rather than cathartic. 

I'll start small, and begin with her Helmet strap snapping when she tries to put it on when she's on the bench, forcing her to go without it. Then she'll trip over her own cleats, and when she gets worms in her hair from hitting the ground, a bird will swoop in when she's pitching and will peck and bite at her scalp, which will make her flinch and struggle, and she'll throw the ball the wrong way while pitching, which will bust open the lock of the mascot's cage (Which will be a goat) and the mascot will go nuts and chase her and the other players all over the field. While trying to run from the goat, Lynn won't notice where she's going and will slam her face into one of those boxes that turns on all the electrical stuff, wrecking it... which will make the sprinklers come on and thoroughly soak her, and it will also make the spotlights short-circuit and the glass explodes all over the edge of the field... (No one gets cut by it, it just startles the players in the outfield) Everyone's panicking and everyone's leaving the stadium in a frenzy, and while Lynn's distracted by that, the goat will make a Satanic face from behind her, snort and will throw her into the stands, where she'll crash through a discarded food stand, you know the small ones with the wheels? Where she'll get covered in Hotdog condiments, cotton candy and peanut shells. Then when it seems like it can't get any worse for poor old messy Lynn... that's when the game gets rained on and the torrential downpour will call off the game entirely... I mean, a runaway goat is enough reason to call off a game, but I'm doing this for good measure.

Why am I cancelling the game rather than letting the other guys win? You see, because nothing unlucky happened in the actual episode, and because the other team won with no hassle, one could actually make the argument that Lincoln was a good luck charm... for the other team. So eliminating this and having everyone suffer and no one benefitting from this makes the notion of Lincoln being cursed feel more cohesive rather than one-sided.

Which will bring me to my next big change, and this is another big change that will seem small but will do a lot to smooth over No Such Luck's failings. When Lynn asks everyone later what the fuck went wrong, Lincoln will remark... "I guess you just had bad luck." and as he says that... he'll pause... and a devilish idea will form in his head... Which will make Lincoln think that maybe if he convinces everyone that they're unlucky, then he'll be left alone. Having Lincoln come up with the idea by himself, rather than having it thrusted upon him, will take most of the pressure off of Lynn, who in the original episode, was quick to blame Lincoln for no tangible reason other than complete coincidence (rather than maybe considering that she can't pitch for shit) and it will shift the blame towards Lincoln, which will make his punishment feel more deserved when it comes later because he actively chose to do it to himself. This is another reason why I kept the bat scene, because Lincoln felt that talking will accomplish nothing with Lynn, it cements the need for him to do something drastic like claim that the Louds are being tormented by bad luck.

And let's move on to another segment, which I like to call...

The Middle Part where Lincoln Alienates his Sisters:

So after the game, the episode then goes on to have Lincoln alienating his sisters, which is something that a lot of karma trips like No Such Luck do, by having Lincoln intentionally driving his sisters away so that he can learn from it later. This revision will be similar but will have some slight differences instead. First off, when the sisters ask her to do things... Lynn will not show up and creepily assert that it was all Lincoln's fault that her game went to shit, I've already eliminated that possibility by having Lincoln do it for himself at the game rather than later after Lynn gave them the idea by being a salty cunt.

So Lincoln will assert that they might have bad luck... and none of his sisters will believe his bullshit. They'll drag him along anyway, and after Lincoln gets dragged along, he'll become a menace and he'll make his own bad luck happen by intentionally sabotaging his sisters' activities to make it look like bad luck is caused everywhere they go. Something along the lines of cutting the power in Lisa's lectures, showering Lucy with glitter in her poem readings, (Like from the catwalk above the stage or something) and sawing off part of Lola's heels so they'll snap when she's on the runway, that way, it feels more believable because they actually see the "bad luck" happening, rather than just doubting him based on conjecture and heresy (And obvious faking in Lori and Lisa's case) like the actual episode does... because this way, it'll all feel earned. Not to mention that Lincoln sabotaging their fun in multiple different venues will make for more comedic opportunities and interesting background locations to look at, resulting in more visual activity as well as more comedy. I mean, just it's because the show is called the Loud House, it doesn't mean that every scene has to take place in the Loud House, am I right?

But unlike the episode, Lincoln will claim that THEY have bad luck, rather than he himself... and the sisters will believe him and leave him alone... so let's move on to the next topic.

The Part where the Sisters get Scared of Lincoln and leave him alone:

It's no secret that this section of the story is where people began to lose their patience with the episode, and for good reason... because the family is undeniably horrible here, what with them outcasting him, selling his property and having him have to sleep outside in the leaves, not even his own doghouse, to the point where it feels like legitimate abuse. Part of this problem is how quickly Lincoln's behaviour is resolved and how unnecessarily fast the pacing of the episode is. He learns his lesson at the 7 minute mark of the episode and only has one scene of both enjoying his freedom and hating his freedom, after he learns his lesson, there's still 4 solid minutes of runtime left, and because Lincoln learned his lesson too fast, he's no longer culpable of anything and the suffering becomes uncomfortable instead of the cathartic tone they were most likely going for... So to counter this issue, I'd simply have Lincoln get arrogant and happy with his decision to be a dick... and instead of the sisters being dicks... they just kind of give up... they feel like they're all jinxed and are too scared to do literally anything... (This is after numerous failed outings that Lincoln intentionally fucked up) so they shut themselves in their rooms and leave Lincoln alone, giving him time to be by himself...

And as he watches TV, plays video games and does whatever the fuck he wants to his heart's content, he gets bored, time passes and he starts to lose interest in Ace Savvy and games, like before... he can still learn his lesson by himself, but I feel like making time pass a little bit more (Like, maybe over the course of a week or a weekend, rather than the length of an in-universe film) the lesson will click a little easier... I'd have another montage, reminiscent of the one from Squidville, where Lincoln does the same things and his face rapidly contorts into utter redundancy-inspired boredom just like the Spongebob episode prior...

I actually like the idea that No Such Luck presents with Lincoln getting bored, because losing interest is something that I deal with from time to time as well, when you have too little to do, you have nothing to focus on and you just get bored and restless, this is why some people love to work and go out, because having a task is a great way to stimulate the brain and give yourself focus... and at one point, Lincoln will look back and remember the activities that he once discarded, and this is where the sisters in the background thing comes into play, because in the background in the opening of my alternate No Such Luck, the sisters will all be having fun... and Lincoln will notice it, remember it and then realize what a jerk he was for snatching those fun things and moments out from under them... This will be doubly effective when he sees his sisters lazily doing things in their rooms and how lifeless and sad that they all are now that they think that they're "Bad Luck" and he'll realize that sometimes their activities could've been fun if he was there to share their happiness rather than just pettily bitching about it. The reason he got into this mess was because he was overbooked, and that's also a problem, when you have too much to focus on, you get overwhelmed and wish to relax... so he'll go to his sisters and beg them for forgiveness, and he'll learn it near the end, which is when he should've learned this to begin with. This is why I decided to extend the baseball game and the montage of the sisters getting wrecked by Lincoln, because by using my time more wisely and by extending the conflict naturally, he doesn't learn too early, which doesn't result in desperate padding to hit that precious 11 minute mark. The scenes of Lincoln exhausting his freedom will start at the 7 minute mark, it will not end at the 7 minute mark, which would make the episode's pacing much smoother.

The Moral:

So for the ending, I'll have Lincoln come clean like before, only instead of doing it far too early, I'll have it come out when it needs to come out... near the end... and this time, Lynn won't be a fuck-up and there will no scene of her nullifying Lincoln's apology in order to pad the episode's runtime. That was a fatal mistake, by taking away Lincoln's apology, it only made the family even worse, because now they'd rather trust Lynn's utter coincidental bullshit over their own son/brother, not to mention that the second game implies that Lincoln actually is bad luck and drags out to an uncomfortable level...  Also why the fuck is the bad luck happening in the second game and not the first one?! Where was this bad luck earlier?! So I'm cutting it. There is no second game and there is certainly no scene where they make him wear a squirrel suit to the beach and still think he's bad luck... Instead of that entire stupid and unnecessary third act that only makes it look like the family didn't learn anything... Lincoln will instead come clean and admit everything, which will make the sisters justifiably upset, and when asked why he did this, he'll remark that he just felt like he had to go to his sister's events too much and it was wearing him out, the family will scold Lincoln and tell him that it's okay if he doesn't want to always go to things, but that doesn't mean that what he did was okay... they'll ask him why he thought he had to do this, and Lincoln will bring up Lynn's bat incident, which is another reason why I kept it, so that she can learn a lesson as well. Lynn Sr. will tell Smaller Lynn that she's not entitled to Lincoln coming to her games and that if he doesn't want to go, that's his choice and that she should respect it, conversely, he'll also tell Lincoln that he can't ditch every last event either, he can't just blow his sisters off either... And naturally, this will lead to apologies from both Lynn and Lincoln and they both learn the correct lesson rather than the family giving a half-decent apology and then going right back to being idiots.

So we'll end with a compromise, which is the best way to end a slice-of-life story's conflict because in that scenario, everyone grows from it. Lincoln will still go to the events, but not to the point where he gets fatigued from it, and he starts to have more fun, and even when he's not going to things, some of his sisters who also didn't go to things with him will be there at the Loud House with him to entertain him and converse with him, which is actually a nice "Variety is the spice of life" moral to take out of this episode's revision. It also teaches the lesson of "You can choose not to do things if you don't want to" as well so that's a win-win in my eyes.

I hope this little "What If" scenario managed to entertain you guys! Tune in next time where we have two special journals to commemorate the birthdays of two special friends of mine, and !

See you all again in a couple weeks and may good fortune accompany you.

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