Quick Thoughts On... Fools In April

It was a beautiful, balmy day in British Columbia... The sun was shining, the flowers were in bloom and grass was littered in shimmering speckles of morning dew. Our story today begins in a pimpcastle in the west coast, where Animation Reviewer and local eccentric oddball, Aston Levy was busy... writing... well, that's usually what he's busy with.

"And that is why everyone needs to chill the fuck out regarding 28 Pranks Later!" typed Aston on his keyboard, his fingers making a distorted symphony of clickety-clacks upon his ebony keyboard. "Annnnnnnnnd... Submit it!" he said, clicking the verdant button on the top-right hand corner of the screen. The journal was done, the review was complete. Yet another window into Aston's thoughts held open for everyone to see... 

"Hah! Feels good to get that out there!" smiled Aston.

"Pop!" came a noise from the adjacent room, followed by a subtle sound of metal creaking.

"Bagels are ready!" said Aston. With a push of his legs, he moved his swivel chair into the kitchen, buttered his bagels with Peanut Butter (Only the crunchiest Peanut Butter will do!) and had himself a fairly hefty breakfast. After 5 minutes of some of the messiest eating you'll ever see or hear, Aston returned to his computer, his shirt thoroughly covered in Peanut Butter and miniature crushed peanut clusters.

"Letsh Shee Ith I Goht Ahnee Commentsh!" said Aston, refreshing the page.

Taking a swig from his glass of milk. Aston's eyebrow raised as he took some of the comments in.

"Stop shoving your MLP biases in my face, you fucking clopperfaggot!"

"You're a complete asshole for liking this episode, you sadistic little fuck!"

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

"Okay, that takes care of the ones left by Bigbuny sockpuppet accounts..." mused Aston as he scrolled down the comments section, the rest of them being fairly understanding towards his feelings of the matter, there was some disagreements, there was some praise, there was even a witty joke from  thrown in... but they all had a decent amount of respect for his opinion regarding that episode.

Checking the clock on the bottom right hand side, Aston could see that it was 8:45... "*Sigh...* It's almost time for work..." Aston moaned, rolling his eyes. "I wish I got paid for making these reviews, that would literally be the most amazing thing ever! Oh well, what're you gonna do?" But as he was about to leave his chair, he noticed another strange thing about the time... The clock on his computer read 2018-04-01...

"April Fools Day..." he mused a little. "I'm so glad I got that analysis of 28 Pranks Later finished in time!"

And with a quick-changing of clothes and some mild grooming, Aston was ready for yet another day of his job. His housecats coldly staring at him as he walked down the hall... As soon as he neared the door, the dark grey one leapt from her perch on the couch and ran to him.

"Meeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhwww! *Snort!*" went the cat as it tried to jump up and touch his hand.

"No, Kitka! I can't let you out!" said Aston sharply. "You're still too young!" he said as he shooed her away with a wave of his foot. "You keep Pekoe company, okay?"

Kitka didn't answer, she stared at Aston, her gaze unceasing.

"See you later, Kitka!" said Aston sassily as he shut the door behind him... the dashing young reviewer doing his best to not let the cats out. (That's the thing about my cats, they always want fucking out)

"Morning, Aston!" came the voice of Mel, my actual awesome next door neighbor. The sweet old man chiselling in his open garage.

"And a fine morning to you, Mel!" said Aston cheerfully, giving the actually charming in real life neighbor a friendly wave.

And with a tune in his heart and a skip in his step, Aston merrily made his way to work... as he turned the block and walked across the street, he couldn't help but think that today was going to be a good day.

Unbeknownst to Aston... A certain pair of troublemakers had other plans in mind...

From the stillness of open air, suddenly a short blade punctured the empty space in front of his lawn, the tip slowly moving upwards as a blue miasma hung in the open air. Aston's neighbor Mel staring in shock as a pair of young girls emerged from the abyss, one with a yellow skirt, a thick brown ponytail and her metallic overbite curled into a smug grin. Beside her stood another girl, a girl in a blue dress, with devil horns sitting atop her dirty blonde hair. Hearts emblazoned upon both of her cheeks, but while her cheeks were rosy and full of hearts... Her eyes were filled with gleeful malice.

Mel stood there, shocked and befuddled... "Um..." he said, trying to break the ice. "Can I help you, young ladies?"

"I don't know... What'cha working on?" said the girl in the ponytail, her eye catching the wooden figure on Mel's workbench.

"Oh, um... this?" said Mel. "I was just carving a rocking horse..." he stuttered. (Which is something that my neighbor actually does, he's amazing at it!)

"Wow, looks reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly cool," said the second girl. "What do you do with it?"

"Mostly, just sell them..." said Mel gingerly. "So, what was the deal with..."

"Neaaaaaaaaaaaaat..." said the blonde as slowly as possible, her smile getting snider, Mel's nervous smile fading fast. "I was wondering... Do you... by any chance... know where Aston lives?"

"Aston? Oh, well... he lives next door..."

"Great!" said the blonde cutting him off. "We'll stop by and... well... pay him a visit!"

"Um... He's not home. He left for work 5 minutes ago."

"Really?!" said the brunette. "Only 5 minutes late?! Guess we showed up at a bad TIME! Ahahahahahahahaha! Get it?!"

"Ha ha ha! Oh, you're a killer, you know that?!" laughed the blonde as she playfully tousled the brunette's hair. "But that's okay! We'll just let ourselves in!"

"I don't think you should do that!" said Mel nervously. "I don't think Aston likes unexpected guests!"

Without warning, a small object was thrust in Mel's direction, it looked like a magic wand, a small shaft with a circular, winged head, the center of the head decorated with a star, the tip glowing ominously as Mel sweated bullets. "Let me tell you something..." she sneered wickedly. "Aston LOVES us! He just doesn't know it yet!" she crooned, her wand gently dipping to the left. "Super Shallot Mighty Mallet!" said the blonde as a giant hammer with a head shaped like an onion crashed through Mel's garage, shattering the wooden rocking horse and splintering the workbench and Mel's tools to a mess of mangled lumber and twisted metal...

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-you... How... But..." mumbled Mel weakly...

"What's the matter? You look a little HORSE! HA HA HA HA HA HA!" went the brunette, chuckling warmly. "You should probably invest in a new work table because that bench looks pretty PRESSED! Ahahahahahahaha! Get it?!"

"No..." said Mel sadly.

"You know, like... Bench-pressing! Your bench got... *sigh* Whatever..." said the brunette disinterestedly. "Look, can you just knock him out?" she asked her companion.

"Sure thing! Slashing Sweeping Go-To-Sleep Beam!" said the blonde as a teal beam of light struck Mel's forehead, gently rendering him snoring among the rubble in his garage.

"Oh, we're gonna have a ton of fun, aren't we, Star?" asked the Brunette.

"You better believe we will, Luan!" said the Blonde slyly.

"Ultra Squawking Door Unlocking!" went Star as her wand glowed a faint purple. Within seconds a toucan with a large striped beak in the shape of a key emerged from her wand and fastened its thin beak into Aston's lock, the tumblers gently turning as Aston's front door now lay completely unlocked.

"After you?" went Luan courteously.

"No... no... I insist. After yooooouuuu!" said Star gingerly, holding the door open.

"Why, thank you!" said Luan, doing a slight curtsy. "Anyway, can you believe this is happening?!"

"I know, right?!" beamed Star jovially. "We're finally getting our revenge on that lousy Internet Reviewer! I mean, you can believe the nerve of that Aston guy?! How dare he trash our episodes?!" she said with a callous toss of her hair.

"Ugh... Tell me about it... With Aston, it's always... Luan's boring this, and Luan's an asshole that! I mean, give the joke a rest, we get the punchline!" said Luan.

"And I'm a disrespectful asshole?! Please! I'm the most respectful person in the world!" she says as she steals a granola bar from the cupboard and unwrapped it, throwing the empty wrapper on the floor. "Buht nohw, ifth uhll wurhf fhit!" said Star, spraying crumbs all over the room... The two of them entering the living room and stepping on Aston's ugly green rug. "Because we're finally getting even with that scum-sucking jerk that makes us both look bad!"

"I'm so glad we met online!" grinned Luan. "This'll be the greatest April Fools prank ever!"

From under the small table, Pekoe the cat stared nervously at the two strange, unknown, noisy girls in the room. Pekoe didn't like strangers, the little cat's breathing increasing in tempo the closer they got to their hiding place... until... her instincts took over.

She ran out of the room and into her hiding place behind the couch in the den, it was her only defense.

Star and Luan stopped to watch the Calico cat running out of the room. "Awwwww! What a cute little kitty..." said Star. "Too bad it ran away."

"Yeah..." said Luan, who suddenly felt a slight sensation on her leg. She took a quick look downward and was face to face with another innocent young feline, rubbing against her.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhwwwwwwww! *Sniff!* *Sniff!*" went Kitka, staring up at the new girl in front of her. Unlike Pekoe, little Kitka loved attention and company.

"Awww... Hey little cutie..." said Luan as she picked Kitka up and petted her head. "You're a good little girl, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

"Mmmmmyyyeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!" went Kitka, purring a little.

"So what are we gonna do about Aston?" asked Star. "How should we get revenge on him?"

"Well, let's see..." Luan said as she looked around the room. "There's a nice Nintendo Switch and a fine selection of games just lying there, how about we steal it?"

"Nah... let's just break it instead! He'll come home and be like "Whhaaaaaaaaat?!" she said mockingly.

"But that doesn't feel like enough..." said Luan.

"How about we just go to his room and I'll blast the shit out of everything with my wand!" said Star, raising her wand threateningly.

"Or, maybe we'll slash the tires of his parents' car and make it look like he did it!" said Luan. "He'd get into so much shit with his mother!"

"Oh, he would just hate that!" said Star. "But we gotta go bigger than that! How about... we burn his Bleach collection!"

"Yeah!" said Luan.

"And while we're at it, let's run his MLP comics into a paper shredder!" said Star, high off the fumes of adrenaline.

"Yeah!" said Luan, raising her right fist skyward, Kitka staring at it from her perch atop her left arm.

"Oh, oh, oh! I got it! An even better idea!" said Star mischievously.

"You're on a roll, Star! INSPIRE me! Aha ha ha ha ha!" said Luan.

"Let's do all those things... and then we'll really teach him a lesson... a lesson he'll never forget!" said Star.

"And what lesson would that be?!" asked Luan.

"Let's kill his cats!" said Star.

"YEAH! LET'S... wait... WHAT?!" asked Luan incredulously, her emotions rising to a fever pitch. "What did you just say?!"

"What?! I was only saying that we should get even with Aston by killing his cats, Duh?!" said Star nonchalantly.

"Bu-bu-but... you said they were cute! Why would you kill them?!" asked Luan.

"I mean, yeah... they're cute and all... but think of how sad Aston would be if he found them dead on his bed! Now that would show him a thing or two about complaining about cartoons on the Internet!" said Star nastily. "I mean, they're just for kids... lighten up!"

"But... don't you think that sounds a little... I don't know... cold and heartless?" asked Luan nervously, her hands instinctively putting distance between Kitka and Star.

"Aw, geez. You sound like Aston!" scoffed Star. "What's wrong with you? I thought you wanted revenge on him?!"

"Well, yeah... Of course I want revenge on Aston... but killing his cats?! That just seems like that's going too far!" said Luan sadly, the brunette putting Kitka down and letting her scamper into another room.

"This coming from the girl that gave her brother a black eye?" asked Star.

"Hey, fuck you! That was a funny joke! You're just talking about murder!" said Luan, pointing an accusatory finger at Star.

"A funny joke, huh?! Well, Marco saw the episode too and he didn't find it very funny either... and how many times have you almost killed your sisters with your pranks?!" asked Star.

"Oh, wow... you care about what Marco has to say?! Never thought I'd hear you defend that spineless nerd... That sounds really rich coming from you!" said Luan, crossing her arms.

"Hey, fuck off! Marco's my friend!" said Star.

"And how often have you treated him like one?" asked Luan, a smug grin plastered on her face.

"I don't have to take this from a talentless comedian like you!" said Star, globs of spittle flying from her mouth...

Luan's knuckles started to clench, and her breath became white hot against her skin... "I fucking dare you to say that again, you menace!"

"You are a taaaaaaaaaaalentless comedian... and I only laugh at you because you're so unfunny that I just feel sorry for you... I think that Marco is funnier than you... Spoiler alert... Marco isn't very funny either..." she whispered.

It was then that Star got sucker-punched in the face, her nose connecting with all five of Luan's knuckles, the young Mewman princess getting knocked to the floor.

Luan stood there, breathing maliciously as she stood over her newfound adversary.

Star got up, and wiped the blood coming out of her left nostril... "So you wanna fucking go, huh?!"

Luan raised both of her fists... "Oh, you better believe I wanna fucking go!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" went the two girls as they charged at each other. [link]

With no hesitation, Star pulled out her magic wand and rushed for Luan, the tip of her weapon glowing a slimy shade of gold as she dashed across Aston's ugly green carpet...

"Flying Rhino Birthday Cake Howitz..."

Before she could complete her incantation, Luan caught Star's wrist with her right hand and delivered a swift follow-up punch with her left, the wand knocking loose from Star's grip as she was thrown once more to the floor.

Ignoring the fallen wand, Luan jumped on Star, but Star was ready, she swiveled onto her back and delivered a kick to Luan's stomach before she could tackle her. Luan's backpack falling off her shoulders and crashing onto the floor.

"Ghaagh!" went Luan. "You're gonna pay for that, bitch!"

Scrambling to her feet, Star dodged Luan's left hook, and ducked under her right jab, without even needing to lift either of her arms. Star closed the distance quickly and delivered an uppercut straight to Luan's chin, her braces rattling at the impact.

"Honey, please... I was trained by fucking soldiers... Do you think I'd lose a fistfight against a 14-year old schoolgirl?" snarked Star.

Luan took a moment and cricked her neck to one side... "Maybe not... you are pretty strong..."

"But don't underestimate a girl raised alongside 10 siblings!" she said as she shoulder-tackled Star straight into the wall and quickly pinned her neck against her left elbow. "I know a few things about hand-to-hand myself! And speaking of hands, let's give you a big one!" she shouted, giving Star a fierce punch to her face, the back of her head hitting the wall from recoil.

"Rwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" went Luan as she slugged Star again and again... Her royal visage getting battered by repeated blows.

"Enough!" roared Star. Her left knee sinking into Luan's stomach, giving her just enough leeway for Star to slam her back with both fists, sending Luan crashing into the floor.

"IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" screamed Luan, jamming her foot directly into Star's leg. Her balance stifled long enough for Luan to give Star a cruel slug... Star dodged to the side, Luan's fist cracking the wall instead. Star retaliating with a sharp kick, hitting Luan in the center of her gut.

"Take that weak shit out of here!" scowled Star, charging Luan once more. Luan dodged to the left and delivered a fierce punch to the side of Star's head, bruising it instantly and sending Star sprawling.

Star recovered fast and charged Luan as fast as her legs could take her. She threw a punch with her right hand... Luan caught her wrist in her left hand... The Brunette set up for another shot with her right... Star managed to catch her wrist in her own left hand... "I'm not falling for that a second time!" she jeered.

The two girls stared vitriolically, both of them sweating bullets, the two of them trapped in the other's grip. Each of them trying desperately to wrench themselves loose.

"Surrender!" said Luan.

"Never!" said Star.

And with that, both girls reared back as far as they could, and both of them clashed in the center, the two of them hitting each other with their heads as hard as they could... Their craniums colliding with an audible *CRACK!* They stood there, forehead to forehead, sweat trickling down their brows as they stared each other down...

The two of them broke off their holds on each other. Star recovering her wand, clenching it voraciously in her right fist... The Star emblem on the wand glowing a sinister green, the shaft of her wand caking itself in Star's sweat.

Luan reached into her discarded backpack and pulled out a small, thin black object of her own... in her left hand was a taser, the tip of her weapon crackling with lightning, a perfect replication of the thunder in Luan's shaky breathing...

"Let's end this..." said Star.

"BRING IT ON!" went Luan.

"Hyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried Star as she charged ahead.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!" roared Luan, sprinting towards Star.

"ASTON WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU!" shrieked both of them at once, the twin screams echoing all throughout the house...

And like that, they stopped... the words on their own tongues grinding their pace to a screeching halt... as the fires of their feud began to cool, wither and turn into smoke... The two of them stared motionless... and without a word, their weapons slipped out of their hands, harmlessly hitting the floor...

"Aston..." said Star slowly, her voice slow and fragile... "Was he... right about us?"

"Well..." went Luan as she thought it over... "Maybe? I mean... His opinion isn't an iron-clad fact... but he could have a point? I mean, it's not like he hates us for nothing..."

Star folded into her knees and sat on the floor. "What are we doing?! I mean... we're getting this way... we were having a fucking fistfight... over what? A review... Just a stupid review..."

"Yeah..." went Luan miserably as she took a seat next to Star. "What happened to us?! Like... I mean, we're two of the most beloved cartoon characters of our decade... Is this what we should be doing with our lives? Fighting each other, threatening cats, I mean, for God's sake, we just ruined that poor neighbour guy's workbench!" she said, her eyes tearing a little bit. "He probably busted his balls working on that rocking horse!"

"It was pretty cute..." said Star sadly.

"Yeah... Look..." said Luan. "I get it... We're not perfect... Clearly we're not... I'm not saying that Aston's opinion is 100% right... but maybe we should try to become better people, you know? I mean... was it right of me to prank my siblings like that every year? I unleashed a truckload of spiders into my house before we left!"

"A truckload... of spiders?!" went Star, her eyebrows raising.

"Yep..." went Luan mournfully. "A whole truckload... Is that how I should treat my family?"

-Meanwhile at the Loud House-

The House was alive with the sounds of screams and anguish as a gaggle of kids were lost underneath a sea of ravenous spiders...

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" said Lori. "They're in my hair, they're in my hair! THEY ARE LITERALLY IN MY HAIR!" she said as she charged down the hall, her steps awkward and haphazard.

"THEY'RE IN MY HAIR TOO!" moaned Lola, frantically scratching her scalp like a mental patient. "GET OFF OF ME, GET OFF OF ME, GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF OF MY BEAUTIFUL FA-A-A-ACE!"

"Find my happy place, find my happy place, find my happy place!" went Leni, the young woman shivering under her table... tears in her eyes.

Meanwhile in the twins' room...

"Best... April Fools Day... ever!" said Lana Loud, as she sat in front of over a thousand brand-new friends.

"I can agree to that..." drawled Lucy as she wrote in her notebook, giggling cheerfully as a couple dozen spiders crawled all over her dark hair.

"Somebody help me! I can't find my happy place!" shouted Leni. "Where did it go?!"

"Is it... Is it any wonder that they don't like hanging out with me?" said Luan dismally.

"Yeah... and well..." said Star, swallowing nervously, and gripping her arm with her other hand. "I guess I can kind of be a dick to Marco at times... He was pretty mad after I pantsed him at the homecoming dance... and after I posted pictures of it on Instagram... *Sigh...* How did this happen to us?!" she asked.

Luan sighed and put a comforting hand upon Star's shoulder. "Well, I think it just comes down to the fact that we're popular... when you're popular... and a hundred thousand people are telling you how great your show is... you kind of have this feeling of superiority..."

"Yeah..." went Star meekly. "You feel... strong... almost invincible..."

"Like you can get away with anything..." said Luan.

"And that no one can stand in your way..." said Star, the two of them exchanging an awkward glance at each other.

Star took a deep breath and took Luan's hand... "Look, I'm... I'm really sorry about that whole thing about threatening Aston's cats... I was a total douche... that was going way too far..."

"I'm sorry too, Star!" said Luan, her eyes tearing up. "I shouldn't have punched you... That was going too far too..." With great effort, she got up and leaned herself against the cracked wall. "Hey, Star?"

"Yeah, Luan?"

"Let's... Let's try to become better people... together..." said Luan calmly. "I mean, people still like us, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't try to do better for them, you know?!"

"Yeah, I see what you're saying!" beamed Star. "I mean, we should all try to become better people even if no one is complaining about us at all!"

"I know! Everyone should!" said Luan. "Everyone deserves the chance to become a better person after all! And everyone should always strive to become better individuals every day!"

"So what do you say?!" Luan asked. "You wanna make your show even better than it already is?!"

"Only if you want to make yours a better one too!" said Star.

"So let's make a vow to always try to be nicer to the people that love us! And to be not as upset when we receive negative criticism!" said Luan.

"Sounds good to me!" cheered Star. "You know what? I'm gonna get Marco a nice gift to celebrate!"

"Great idea!" said Luan. "I'll do the same for my family! Once we get the spiders out that is..."

"To a new life!" said Star.

"To being better people!" said Luan.

"And to getting over what people say about us!" they say together, the two of them sharing a charming hug.

The two broke their hug, staring at the room, thinking for just a brief minute, then a second one... their hands loosely clenched upon their chins...

When, suddenly... Inspiration struck them...

"Naaaaaaaaaaah!" said the two of them in unison, each with a dismissive flick of the wrist.

"We're totally awesome the way we are!" said Star. "Marco just needs to grow a pair and stop being such a big baby!"

"And everyone who says otherwise is a fucking idiot!" said Luan smugly, her hands wickedly rubbing together. "I mean, how can my family be so upset?! It's just a prank, bro! They need to learn to take a joke! That includes Aston! Fuck that guy! Relevant points or not, he's still a dick!"

"So how should we get our revenge on Aston?!" asked Star.

"I have an idea that will please both of us!" said Luan, as she gestured to Aston's tranquil computer... "Let's post horrible insults to his friends on his DeviantArt page and we'll make everyone think he said them!"

"Now that's the kind of chaos I'm talking about!" said Star with a wicked grin creeping across her jowls.

"Ready to show this HACK who's boss?" said Luan.

"You just read my mind! Clickety-Clackety Computer Hackety!" said Star, her wand glowing verdantly as it fired a green cone of digits and numbers at Aston's harddrive, the computer bypassing his password screen and going straight to his Deviant page completely autonomously, the strained whirring of his device feeling like a cry of sadness as Aston's poor computer was forced to betray its master... The "Post a Status" line hanging ominously as two mischievous pairs of eyes stare at it with jovial hunger.

"Wanna do the honours, Luan?" asked Star, offering Luan Aston's swivel chair.

"I'm so glad that we get to CHAIR this moment!" beamed Luan. "AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Let's see how you like being embarrassed, Aston!" she cackled menacingly.

"Who should we mess with first?" asked Star.

"How about that Mike guy?" said Luan. "He always had an axe to grind with me too!"

"Fine..." said Star. "But I call dibs on RaccoonBro! He'll pay for mocking my dad!"

"Ha ha ha ha! Alright, alright... but first, let me just start with Mike." said Luan. "Hey, Mike..." she began to type as she spoke it aloud. "I..."

And that's as far as she got before a fierce electric shock coursed through her entire body.

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!" she went as she fell out of Aston's chair.

"Wh-what the?!" asked Star. "What the heck was that?!" She started running to Luan, who laid on Aston's ugly green rug, her hair frizzed to a ridiculous degree... "Are you okay, Luan?!"

"Uuunnhhhh..." she went, rubbing her head. "I'm alright... but what was that? Where did that come from?"

"It came from me!" went a new voice. 

Star and Luan looked at the computer screen, a Skype chat window opening up before them, and suddenly the face of Aston Levy stared back at them.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Luan. "Aston?"

"I thought you were supposed to be at work?" exclaimed Star. "And what the heck happened to the rest of your body?!" she demanded. "Did you... *Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp!* become one with your computer...?"

"*Sigh...* No, you dingus... It's just my new security system. I outfitted my new computer with a device that gives an electric shock to anyone who touches my keyboard who doesn't have their fingerprints registered." said Aston coolly. "It's a really cool new program I got from my friend Joseph from work. Oh, by the way... my new security system can also do this..." said Aston as he pushed a button on his laptop.

Before either Star or Luan could react, the ugly green rug began to move and shake, and before they even had time to flinch, four large walls of thick glass lifted from underneath the rug and enclosed all around them, they could only stare in shock as another pane came down from the ceiling and completed their cage. They were trapped... cornered within a slightly cramped box of glass, just in front of Aston's computer.

"N... No way!" went Luan, the metal in her teeth shaking as her teeth chattered. "How could you...?"

"Out of my way, Luan!" went Star defiantly, as she extended the shaft of her wand, the tip touching the wall of the cage. "Mega Super Howling Armageddon!"

The wand did nothing, it made no sound, it made no noise. It stood there inert... as Aston made a rather smug grin.

"My... my wand... It..." went Star, as she gently folded into her knees.

"That's a special pane of glass right there, it's bulletproof and negates all magic inside of it," said Aston calmly. "Your wand won't work, neither will the scissors. There is no getting out of your consequences this time, girls..."

"But how!" cried Luan. "How did you know? How did you know we'd be here?! How did you know we'd come to prank you?!"

"Well, funny thing... Someone emailed me about your little April Fools scheme and offered me this lovely beachhouse for me to crash in while you were on your rampage," said Aston, lounging atop a fancy chair, a grand chair that was large, polished and white, and majestic as a regal throne. "I guess you don't have as many friends as you both thought..."

"Really? Someone leaked our plan?!" said Star. "But who?!"

"It was probably Lincoln or one of my sisters..." said Luan bitterly.

"It might have even been Marco..." said Star forlornly.

"Look, at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter who it was. And now the jig is up! And also, it's Sunday today! I don't go to work on Sunday!" Aston chuckled. "I think you would've at least known that about me!"

"Ah, shit..." said Luan sadly. "I think we should've re-examined our lives after all..."

"Pssshhh..." scoffed Star. "Are you still hung up on that?!"

"You should've backed off when you had the chance, ladies..." said Aston confidently. "And now, I get to pull my April Fools prank on you!"

"What are you going to do to us?! Let us out!" went Star, her fists fruitlessly banging upon the wall of glass.

"I'll let you out... But not before an hour-long dramatic reading session where I speak aloud all the reasons that you two fucking suck! April Fools, you little suckers!" cackled Aston confidently.

"Oh great, more of this..." whined Star.

"This is the worst April Fools Day ever!" moaned Luan.

"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" went Aston. "I've got you! At long last, I've got you! Now... let us begin..." he said as he rested his arms upon the rests of his fancy chair. "Star... you can be such a little..."

"*Click*" went the chair as a pair of cuffs snapped his wrists to the chair... a similar pair of restraints buckling around his legs.

"Shit?"

Aston tried to get up but it was hopeless, he wiggled, thrashed and grunted til the cows came home but he was stuck... struggling and helpless... [link]

"What the hell?! What is going on around here?!" asked Aston as he tried in vain to squirm out of the chair.

"You think you've tricked them?" went a sly, feminine voice... "But in actuality, the one who got tricked was you..."

"Who... Who are you?!" Aston asked, sweat dripping down his brow.

The screen opened up a Skype tab all by itself, a messy bedroom slowly illuminating itself, as a silhouette in a tall chair stared snidely at the cornered form of the dashing young reviewer... "The room fully lit up and to Aston's horror, with a champagne snifter full of grape soda gently swishing in her left hand... Aston saw the chipped-toothed sneer of... 

"Ronnie Anne..." gasped Aston.

"In the flesh, lame-o!" she smiled. "Ever hear of a scheme within a scheme? Because that's totally what this is..."

"Did... did Star and Luan know about this?" asked Aston.

"Nah, man... they were just pawns in the game... Nothing but bait to lure you into my trap..." smiled Ronnie Anne triumphantly. "I listened in on all of their Discord conversations on Luan's server and when I heard about the two of them plotting to get revenge on Aston, I knew I could use their stupid plan to get my own revenge on you!"

"Hey!" went Star angrily. "We can still hear you!"

"How dare you PAWN us off like that?!" jeered Luan.

"What? No laughter after a pun?!" went Ronnie Anne smugly. "That's so unlike you, Luan."

"It's nothing much..." went Luan, flipping her ponytail in disgust. "I'm just so mad at you, I forgot to laugh!"

"Well, it doesn't matter! I got what I wanted! I knew that if I informed Aston of your scheme, pretended to offer him a safe place to stay and pretended to help him turn the tables on the two of you, he'd get so blinded in his petty, caustic hateboners to even consider that this might be a trap!"

"Hey! I do not have petty, caustic hateboners!" said Aston, struggling with his wristlets...

"Wellllllllllll........" went Luan. "You do have a reputation for hating us..."

"Yeah, man. You fucking locked us in a glass box and were gonna read about how much we sucked like two minutes ago..." said Star.

"Oh, now you decide to be smart..." mumbled Aston. "Where were these brains in Starsitting?"

Star's face turned red as a rose... "Okay, first off..."

"Enough..." said Ronnie Anne. "The point is... you've tangled yourself in my web... you all have... and now I'm gonna make you pay, Aston! You're gonna pay! YOU'LL PAY! AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" she shrieked.

"Ey! Ronnie Anne! Quiet Down!" came a voice from the other room.

"Why don't you try and make me, Carl?! God!" she screamed at the wall. "Anyways... Any last words, Aston?"

"Where did you get this Canadian Beachhouse from?"

"Nitpicky to the end, I see..." she chuckled. "My grandpa knows some guys up north, do enough odd jobs as a drifter for 20 years and you'll inevitably make some connections...we had some strings pulled. Haven't you heard? He'll move mountains for his little grandgirl!"

"What, with those shoulders?" scoffed Luan. "I'm surprised if he can move a sack of potatoes for you!"

"Pffffttttt..." went Aston. "Okay, that was fucking funny... I'll give you that, Luan!"

"Tch... I'd be shocked if that old coot could even see a sack of potatoes... His eyesight is terrrrrrrriblllllleeeeee..." singsonged Star.

"Aha ha ha ha! What is this? Why are you guys so funny today?" chortled Aston.

"Okay, You know what?! Fuck all of you!" went Ronnie Anne, her face red as a beet. "And now for the joke of a lifetime... I picked the perfect piece of media to torture you with..." she said as she uploaded a new tab in front of Aston's sweat-glazed face. "You'll all sit through enough repeats of this episode that you'll be able to recite it backwards and forwards by the time I'm done with you!"

"In fact, have some sadness yourselves, Luan and Star!"

"No..." went Aston, the tainted images searing his soul. "Not that... Not that, you disgusting bitch... Please, Jesus... Anything but that!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" went Luan.

"It's so hideous!" went Star. "It's so hideous!"

   

From the chair came a tangle of wires, wrapping themselves around his face and forcing his quivering eyes open, no matter how he tried, Aston could only stare forward... into the bright pink hell before him. 

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" went Aston as he jerked and struggled with all his might... 

"What's the matter, Aston?" jeered Ronnie Anne. "I thought you loved MLP?!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrr..." went Aston, his teeth clenching and eyes watering... "Gyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Aha ha ha ha ha ha! April Fools, critic scum!" went Ronnie Anne, as she left the three of them to their horrible fate.

"Game over..." 

"Aaaahhhhhhh!!!" I scream... My alarm clock blaring right next to me... my chest covered in sweat... my breaths racing and haggard... "*Haff* *Huff* *Haff* *Huff*... "What the fuck was that?! That dream was just... fucked up... I really got to ease up in regards to those three..." I said aloud... "They're starting to annoy me in my dreams... I feel like that's some sort of sign that I should relax a little about them... It's not wrong that I hate them... but they're not the worst things ever... and I'll be the first to congratulate them if they star in an episode that I really really fucking love... and if they appeal to people, that's totally cool... and I hold no ill will against their fans, nor do I blame anyone if they disagree with my reviews or opinions about them... after all, that is their opinions after all... But I shouldn't let my hate of them get out of control to the point where I make up, convoluted, ridiculous and totally implausible storylines about them in my dreams... They're not fucking monsters... They're just really annoying teenaged girls... Always remember to hate maturely..." I calmly tell myself. I turn my head to the left and I see Kitka sitting next to me on my bed, her little beady yellow eyes staring right at me.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwwww!" went Kitka quietly, the little cat looking at me like she wants me to get her food. (I know the look when I see it)

"Dyaaaahhh!" I said, almost swiping her reflexively. "Kitka! What did I tell you about sitting on my bed, you silly girl?!"

"Meeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhwwwwwwww! *Sniff!*" went Kitka nonchalantly, as she began to scratch her ear.

"Off! Off my bed!" I say as I pick her up and put her outside my room. "You silly bitch, you know that you're not allowed in my room!" Kitka just sniffs the air uncaringly and wanders to another part of my house. And with that, I plunk myself on my bed, as I rub my sore, aching head.

"Aw, jeez... What day is it? I feel like I've been sleeping for a hundred years..." I take a look at my calendar and lo and behold, it was March 27th...

"Oh my god, March 27th?! I gotta pick up the pace, I've barely started on my April Fools Joke Review! If I don't hurry, I won't be on time!" I say, jumping out of my covers and hastily getting dressed and ready for work.

After a hasty breakfast and an even hastier tooth-brushing session, I park myself atop my trusty chair, pull up the episode and my Google Doc is loaded and ready to go. I'm ready to begin... My fingers anxiously flutter over my keys... and then...

My trusty digits begin to work their magic...

"So Let's Talk about Fools In Apri..."

TO BE CONTINUED!



April Fools, everyone! There is no second part!